San Francisco: A Lazy Bum’s Going-out-Guide

Apparently, San Francisco is a fun place to visit, where there are lots of fun things to do.  I wouldn’t know, since a majority of my time there I spent (a) surfing; (b) running; (c) riding public transportation; and (d) generally sitting on my arse in the multitude of dive bars, coffee shops, ice creameries, and public parks the city and Bay Area have to offer.

So when the fifth person in two weeks told me they were visiting SF and needed to know the “cool things” to do, my first response often being, “how would I know what’s cool?” I decided to piece together this careful list of my favourite everythings for other people to enjoy.  I’m not there anymore, so I don’t have to worry about you bringing all of your tourist friends up into my favourite places and blowing up the queue.  But the city will be glad to have you, I’m sure of it!

I’ve neatly divided this into the essentials:

eats
drinks
coffee
places to loaf about for free
things to do (instead of nothing)
what everyone thinks is cool, but actually sucks

Enjoy and bon voyage.

eats

• Jardinière: i’m a fan, make reservations and enjoy your whole meal, this is a Top Chef contender’s restaurant.
• Delfina Pizzeria: some of the best pizza and small contorni in the City, but expect long lines.  don’t bother with the restaurant itself.
• Chiaroscuro: I used to work here, and I’ve heard it’s improved.  Quality food and one of the only actual authentic Italian joints left in SF.
• Chez Panisse: Alice Waters’ place in Berkeley.  Fantastic food.  Definitely worth the trip.
• In & Out Burger: there’s one in Daly City but it closes early so you’ll have to take a break from drinking to have your DD haul you down the freeway for your Double Double.
• Bi-Rite Creamery: kickass ice cream in the warmest neighborhood in SF.  worth the Muni ride.
• spruce: another new-american spot, probably overpriced, but definitely a good place to grab a couch and some drinks, and people-watching.
• le colonial: ok, so I walked in this place once, and they had literally paid a dozen people to dress in 1930s period attire and swing dance to a live band; i mean, guys in military uniforms dancing with Asian girls, I didn’t know what to expect.  but the food is decent, the drinks were good, and it was actually a fun time.  French-Vietnamese.
• cha-ya vegetarian Japanese restaurant: i know what you’re thinking, but man is it good.  in the Mission.

drinks

• if for whatever reason you find yourself in my old neighborhood, the Excelsior, (a) you are lost and find the closest English-speaker to ask for directions; (b) avoid anything with bikers out front; and (c) go to Broken Record.  I haven’t been in some time but it was the most neighborhoody dive bar with a fine whiskey selection, pool tables, air hockey and (gasp) sausages ranging from tame (venison) to exotic (alligator).  If that doesn’t make you want to go, then you’re not my friend.
• if you’re staying close to Union Square (and you probably are), check out the Redwood Room at the Clift Hotel.  It’s absurdly overpriced but a beautiful bar often filled with beautiful people and electronic paintings.
• the revolution cafe: if you’re in the Mission and want some cheap Sangria and merengué music, while being surrounded by hipster Bohemians, this is the place to go.

coffee

One of several things that, for some reason or another, the west coast does infinitely better.  SF on its own is a coffee mecca that rivals PDX and Seattle.

• The obvious best here is Ritual Coffee Roasters.  The lattes this place churns out are inimitable and, until recently, nearly impossible to duplicate on the right coast.  Now DC denizens can actually sample this fine stuff at Dolcezza, the lone importer of Ritual beans back east.  I’m ecstatic because I can relive sitting in this place and pretending to read long books about heavy stuff.  If you’re even a mild coffee aficionado and happen to be roaming the Mission, you’d do yourself a SERIOUS DISSERVICE if you leave San Francisco without going to Ritual.  If you need more convincing, here’s my Yelp! review of Ritual.
• If you fear consuming espresso will turn you into a stark raving lunatic and prefer the drippy American variety, try any one of Philz’ Coffee locations across the City.  They were on the up end of  the single-cup drip coffee trend and will make your drink to order, and they’ve got literally dozens of seriously distinguishable varieties.  This is a place I would actually get an iced coffee, too.

places to loaf about for free

There’s no shortage of these in the Bay Area; since everybody goes there to “find themselves,” the city seems to have made it a priority to allow people to do that on the cheap almost anywhere.  Plus the mild climate will generally be conducive to relaxing, reading, playing frisbee with your oversized poodle, or sleeping off a hangover in the shade under a palm tree.  My favourite spots:

• ocean beach: yes, this is an incredibly dumb name for a beach, and I would hesitate to call anything SF itself has to offer a “beach” as you will be able to lay out here and soak up sun approximately 2.5 days per year, and the rest of the time will require a sweatshirt and jacket at a minimum.  But OB is conveniently at the end of the Muni line (N Judah), and a visit to SF requires at least one pilgrimage, preferably during sunset. If you are freezing post-sunset (and you will be), duck into Java Beach Cafe and get a peppermint tea.
• dolores park: topographically the lowest lying part of the City, Dolores is also the warmest for the longest part of the day.  Located centrally in the mission, there is an abundance of sunshine, local eats, frisbee-crazy dogs and owners, and palm trees, not to mention a spectacular view of donwtown.  What more could you want?
  Tip: Stay away from the public bathrooms.
• washington square park: at the foot of Sts. Peter & Paul (the church that is half-Italian, half-Chinese) you will find Chinese men playing Mah Jong and Italians playing bocce.  There are film screenings here in the summer (dress warmly) and plus, you’re in North Beach, so go to Cafe Greco or Chiaroscuro for the best stuff.
• mt. tamalpais: this is quite possibly my favourite place on earth, so forgive me if i don’t divulge the details.
  
  
• coit tower: so, go here if you are really bored and don’t mind climbing hundreds and HUNDREDS of stairs.  spiral staircases.  vertical staircases.  horizontal staircases (wait, is that possible?)  yes.  There are a shit-ton of stairs to climb, and all to go inside and see a mural of a bunch of superhuman firefighters extinguishing the Great Depression with hoses full of American pride and joy (shit, I ruined it, sorry).  Actually, it’s a really cool view.  But remember, it will be cold as fuck.

things to do (instead of nothing)

go for a hike. here are a couple suggestions:

• tilden state park: if you’ve got wheels and can venture across the bridge and north of urban enclaves, and the idea of being in a hot, dusty, BMX-trodden, lizard-laden environment sounds entertaining, this is the place for you.  great trails but bring plenty of water.
• marin headlands: ditto on the wheels, but a short hop over the “other” bridge (Golden Gate) and follow the signs to the headlands, for an incredible view of the city and its surroundings and some great little hiking trails.

go to a spa. the best place i can recommend: kabuki springs.  centrally located in the city, this place has three pools (cold water, hot spring, and body temperature).  book a massage in advance and the pools are included, so you can soak in the pools until your masseuse is ready for you.  and you can hang out afterwards.  and they give you free pajamas to wear.  days alternate between all-male, all-female and co-ed, so do your homework.

go to wine country. here is my dream one-day itinerary for california wine country:

1. Start off with breakfast on Point Lobos overlooking Seal Rock: at Louis‘ (if you’re cheap) or Cliff House (if you’re pompous).  Head over the bridge (stop at marin headlands if you haven’t).
2. First stop: Viansa winery in Sonoma.  They have a tasty, light Sangiovese that goes well with any handful of the Italian small plates made on site, and a terrific patio with a view of the valley.
3. Lunch: Angele in Napa has a beautiful (shaded) patio and a broad array of tasty French dishes.  This should be your only stop in Napa, which sucks.
4. After lunch/Happy Hour: Gloria Ferrer.  The only (or first) woman-owned winery in wine country, they have some terrific deals on bubbly wines, and olives and chocolate to pair.  and an even better view.
5. If you’re headed back to the city, stop in Larkspur at Pizzeria Pico, and leave room for the soft serve ice cream with olive oil and sea salt.  If you’re staying the night, splurge and head to the Gaige House in Sonoma, and be sure to book a room with a fireplace (book on Expedia as they get cheaper rooms for some reason).

go to an A’s game. Giants games are great, too, but (a) the tickets are more expensive and (b) the fans are assholes.  Seriously, and I’m from Philly so I’m used to asshole fans.  Day games are alright and you may enjoy yourself, but night games are another story.  A’s fans are devoted and sincere, and are generally pretty diverse, and it’s always an interesting experience – especially if their whack job fan mascots show up.  plus, they’re actually in first place in the NL west.

go to a festival.  one of the best things about SF, like Brooklyn, is that it is divided into neighborhoods that have their own “downtowns” and centres.  Every neighborhood has a festival in the summer time, even the crappy ones.  A lot of them have booze and jazz music and other things.  In the Excelsior, my old hood, they celebrate Jerry Garcia’s birthday (he was a local).  Go figure.

take a ferry. bust out to Sausalito or Tiburon and check out the digs.  Good food and drinks at Ferry Building as well.

what everyone thinks is cool, but actually sucks

People who visit San Francisco once or twice think they know about the best places to go.  They don’t.  Trust me, I’ve been to these places and they suck, so don’t waste your time.

• napa. really, this is the disneyland of wine.  don’t waste your precious vacation time trying to go to Coppola’s shitty wanna-be vineyard where they charge you $30 for a tour but offer “free parking.”  the only thing worth doing in napa (aside from eating at Angele or French Laundry) is… driving through it.  Which is a pain when there are NASCAR races as there is a track right on Rte 29.
• Giants night games. see above.  plus, they’re fucking freezing.
• Fisherman’s Wharf.  Unless you go to eat at Scoma’s, you have no business here and will pay $7 for an ice cream sundae at Ghiradelli.  Walk around the rest of the city instead.

how not to look like an idiot

Follow this simple advice and you’ll be A-OK:

• Buy a week pass that you can use on Muni and BART.
• Dress in layers.  Nothing screams “tourist” more than a dumbass who leaves their hotel in short shorts and a tank top, only to have the four o’clock fog roll in and give you permanent hard nipples.
• Don’t eat outdoors “al fresco” unless you’re in the Mission.  Same reason as above.

hopefully you take better pictures than this.